As an introvert, I lack confidence with the female species. I do not consider myself/ am not generally considered physically or characteristically attractive, which eats away at my confidence and hinders my ability to court (that word is medieval, I might as well use ‘woo’). Consequently, my nervous appearance and toxic self-pitying habits repel my many suitors.
Of course I am mostly the problem. I easily get embarrassed (I’m embarrassed writing this too) and worry way too much about what others will think. Will I get made fun of? Will I do something so ridiculously wrong? Something cheesy? Will I embarrass myself? What will my friends think if I go out with them? These questions constantly go through my head when I even think about a possible relationship. I would describe myself as a sort of risk assessor, and it is so much easier choosing to be single.
Don’t get me wrong, being happy with a girl is absolutely desirable to me. I’ve had “relationships” (I use that word loosely, I only really count one as semi-proper) before, all of which failed miserably. My last one was with a girl who was so cool, we were so alike and she was so fit. We went out for a year and we met up once. Once. It was a pathetic excuse for a relationship. It started out good, but it soon went downhill when we both started to feel awkward and uncomfortable. It went on for so long because we were both too nice to end it. Fast forward a year and we are actually quite good friends.
Nowadays I tend to develop crushes on people I can’t get. On the rare occasion where the feeling is reciprocated I don’t take it any further, because doing so would be a big commitment and I don’t want it to fail like last time. Overall I am starting to get better and more confident and I may start going further in the future. This was a really uncomfortable post for me to make but hey ho, it’s Valentine’s!
Wish me luck with love.